November 06, 2008

Freddy and Fredericka: A Journey to No Man's Land

Whenever something exceptionally stressful and trying is happening, I like to keep myself sane by thinking to myself, "X=time from now, I'll look back on this and laugh."

It is now 12:22 AM. I have organic chemistry in the morning. 8 AM in the morning.

And for some odd reason, I don't care right now. 

I was in the library earlier tonight: I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror up on the third floor, washing my hands, when I suddenly just felt very aware

Aware of myself in myself and aware of myself in space and in time and in blue and scarf and book and nose and nail and sleep and awake

It was all very strange, but all of a sudden, I just felt light again. I felt like I was fully my own person again, breathing and living just to breathe and live. No man's land but my own. 

But now I'm back to the journey. It was like I poked my head above the clouds for a little bit. Maybe. I know I'm not doing the moment justice. Maybe it was just in that moment, I felt like my own rock once more. I didn't need my parents' approval, or my friends' support, or anyone else's opinion to steady my own. I only needed myself in that moment, and I was there. 

For a while, it had felt like I wasn't going to be there for a while. But I'm here.

I realize maybe I won't be here tomorrow, or maybe even in a few hours. But it's okay. As long as I know I'm still there, existing for my Macondo, my moments, I'll be fine until it comes along again.