OMGGGGGG.

NO WAY.

THANK YOU MART... IN AMEHREECA?

If there's a will, THERE'S A WAY.

Thank You Mart: Sponsor of many fun trips to Machida, skipped days, and bizarre t-shirts.
it reads: ZOO choose the animals that have four legs... and it has ANSWERS.

One thing still remains...

It was like hearing this song for the first time all over again.






Music is the only thing that can truly get under my skin.

My space, quite literally.

So, here's the promised The Selby-esque post.


The seal-turned-elephant keychain on my phone. It doubles as a phone-cleaner dealie thing. Very kawaii.


Messy, as usual.

Out the window, looking into my across-the-street neighbor's lawn.

I held my breath until this poster came. I also have a matching t-shirt (see profile picture).


I spy with my little eye... a capo, a carzbinger, and something tasty.

I spy with my little eye... home, a mushroom, and a queen.

I spy with my little eye... a button, a drumstick, and a 50 yen piece.







Max says meeooowww.

i'm just glad i'm still around.

I wish I could hop on a train and just sit on a bench in the middle of the Shibuya train station and feel how small I am.

I like Maryland. I like the green and the wide open spaces. I like Washington. I like the dampness and the moody skies. But I'll always be a city girl.

I want to go home.

AHAHAHAHAHA

She's great.

avec

You moved from Boston to Paris into a little apartment on the rue du Faubourg-Saint-Denis. I showed you our neighborhood, my bars, my school. I introduced you to my friends, my parents. I listened to your texts, your singing, your hopes, your desires, your music. You listened to mine. My Italian, my German, a bit of Russian. I gave you a walkman. You gave me a pillow. And one day, you kissed me. Time went by, time flew and everything seemed so easy, so simple, so free, so new, so unique. We went to the movies, we went dancing, we went shopping, we laughed, you cried, we swam, we smoked, we shaved, sometimes for no reason, or for a reason. Yes, sometimes for a reason. I brought you to the academy, I studied for my exams, I listened to your singing, to your hopes, your desires, your music. You listened to mine. We were close, so close, ever so close. We went to the movies, we swam, we laughed. You screamed, sometimes for a reason and sometimes without. Time went by, time flew. I brought you to the academy, I studied for my exams. You listened to my Italian, German, Russian, French. I studied for my exams. You screamed, sometimes for a reason. Time went by for no reason. You screamed for no reason. I studied for my exams, my exams, my exams. Time went by, you screamed, you screamed, you screamed. I went to the movies.

-Thomas from Paris, je t'aime

I've found a new favorite movie.

Summer Mix Oh! Seven

Most people keep track of the seasons with the change of environment. So do I: fall brings red and orange crinkly leaves, winter brings sleet and grey skies, spring brings rain and greenery, and summer brings beating rays and blinding blues.

But I also keep track of the seasons with music. Daphne Loves Derby defined Fall 2005, the Smashing Pumpkins took their turn in Summer 2005, and Coltrane, Davis and Monk took theirs in Spring 2007. Before I had a computer that brought the ease of making playlists, I had mix CDs. I just found the summer 2007 mix hiding in a box i've just unpacked. Summer 2007 was two years ago. Two years ago! Imagine that.

This time two years ago, I was thinking about a lot of the same things I am now. At this time, I had just graduated, and was ready to leave high school and the environment I had grown up i. I was apprehensive for the uncertainty of college and for the uncertainty of a maybe long-distance relationship, but the possibilities that stretched in front of me made it hard to stay in a state of apprehension for too long.

But like now, a sudden and unhappy event occurred that removed all uncertainty and physically thrust me in one direction with no chance to even comprehend how things had changed.

But of course, it's different now. Instead of being physically removed from my happy place of sure uncertainty, I've mentally moved myself out of my place of comfort. Not entirely unwillingly, but still throwing out a punch or a kick here and there. But it's for the best.

So, this mix CD. It was in a cracked jewel case, cracked from being tossed all over in my old green civic while searching for lab coat/pen/lab manual/purse/IDcard/ etc. It reads "Summer Mix Oh! Seven." I listen to the tracks now, and the reason why I put each of these songs on the mix dances across the stage of my memory. As I listen to each song, I inwardly greet each new track as if greeting someone I love and haven't seen in a while, and in that time, has done something really great.

On the flip side of things, it puts my current opinion on these memories in perspective; current opinion is what you reach for on a daily basis, and the memories themselves are shoved way back in there, somewhere. And you forget how the memories themselves once held sway on past opinion. This is what I'm doing now.

Track 3- The Academy Is..., Bulls in Brooklyn: An old throwback to high school and driving around the flight line. I still miss it. I've been feeling pretty rootless lately, and listening to this reminds me of a time when I was once planted firmly in the ground.

Track 5- Dashboard Confessional, Dusk and Summer: Barely enough to hang on then, and barely enough to hang on now. This is one reason that hasn't changed at all. But the perspective has shifted-- letting go isn't a bad thing.

Track 14- Black Eyed Peas, Bebot: AHAHAHAHAHA. I'd almost forgotten about this song, which would have been a very sad thing indeed. I've missed the Filipino-American community a lot. Although I never felt I really fit in, I still miss the millions of "aunties" and "titas" fussing over how I don't have enough food on my plate. It reminds me of standing in front of the line of my Sunday School class, chomping on a donut and swapping Friday-night stories with my third graders:

Me: Man, I'm still stuffed from all that pancit I ate at X's christening party Friday.
Student: Did you see me break open the pinata?
Me: Yeaah man, you killed that donkey!
Student: I didn't like the pancit, but mom made me eat it.
Me: Yeah. I'm just glad they didn't have that one *chocolate dish there. My mom used to make me eat that stuff at parties all the time, before I knew what it really was. You know what it really is, right?
Student: YEAH EWWWWWWWWWW MISS KRYSTLE EWWWWWWWW!

Those are just a few of the songs, but you get the idea. If there is any time I need to look back and remember, it's now.

Now, onward!

* chocolate = pork's blood. i'm not joking.

Rallying

My mind is full of inexplicable babble. A thought here elicits a momentary burst of emotion, which is gone as soon as the next thought sharpens into focus. So I am here now, each second bringing on a different feeling. I feel it all. I’m going to burst.

The summer sits long and winding ahead of me, like some sort of beast with scales and long limbs that go off all over the place. I sit here, right now, in the biggest rut of my life (so far). It’s far from the end of the world, but when I first landed here, an alien in my own life, it felt pretty close to it.

(I’m a pretty melodramatic person, though. I’m glad I can keep that sort of perspective despite all of this.)

I'm still hanging on to my map of the world, though, although I see it needs some major redrawing.

At the moment, nothing feels better than to close in on myself. I’ve been exceedingly retiring in nature. I don't want to talk to anybody, and there are certain people I absolutely dread talking to. But for some odd reason, I inwardly cry out for someone else to be there. Someone whom I vaguely know, but honestly don’t really have a clue about. But their face is a mix of all those I don't want to see.

I would like to simplify my predicament by saying simply that I am strong of mind, but weak of flesh, but better judgment tells me that
1. things are never that simple, and
2. body and mind are one

so how can they possibly act independently of one another?

and if so, then why am i here?

In this past week, a lot has come to my attention. Biting cultural issues that have nipped at my heels for my entire life and can no longer be ignored. Questions about my own will and strength and independence, and how they've changed so much in the past year. Doubts on my own ideas of character and what it means to be strong, for myself and for others.

I don't know how to tackle all of these in a way that will make sense to me, other than to write about them. And no medium is perfect for such as this. This is the reason I keep it; I don't really expect others to read it (although I do love it when people take the time to), but it's more of a thing for me-- it's my pensive of sorts. Something I can look back on at leisure to see if there are patterns in actions or events, because there's only so much my mind can recall when I want to remember something in its entirety.

This summer will not be a loss because I am determined to make it full. Full of reading about American politics and trying to decide if I really want to be a politics minor. Full of finally getting around to reading all those popular science books I never had time for during the school year. Full of making music. Full of writing. Full of ice skating with my sister, barbecuing with my dad and cooking with my mom. Full of learning how to keep my head up high while swimming in this rut.

It's hard these days, and the hurt from everything, while not fresh, still has the power to be debilitating. Some days I have a better hold over it, and it only hurts if I let it. Other days, not so much. I don't wallow so much as hate the fact that I wake up feeling that my bed is too big but I'm going to suffocate.

But I've never been one to go down without a fight, and by God, am I fighting.

all lined up.

BBC's Persuasion + Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist + Paris, Je T'aime + my computer + late night + ice cream + my bed = awesome.